Wednesday, September 27, 2017

speaking hard truths....

remember that one time we adopted two boys from taiwan & then i never talked about it again for like 18 months.....

i've shared bits + pieces very sporadically since we brought home our sons last summer, but as a whole i have not shared my personal struggle through this season mostly out of shame & embarrassment.  adopting our boys was nothing like my heart + mind had expected after watching many other families bring home their precious little ones.  

i've struggled [i still struggle] with attachment & expressing love for our boys.  i've cried at least an entire river's worth of tears in frustration, agony, anger and confusion.  i mean, if God tugged on our hearts to pursue adoption & called us specifically to this file with two precious little boys that i loved so easily on paper + through skype.... why is my heart betraying me & these relationships i've had eighteen months to cultivate & grow?

looking back now, i realize i was probably watching the highlight reel of these other families.  the good, pretty moments that were captured [if they're anything like me] just for instagram + facebook.  i don't say that negatively, friends.... i'm totally the same way.  if i can snap a moment that has all three kiddos smiling with no fingers up a nose i'm for sure gonna post it & quote some sort of cliche funny mom moment thing i found on pinterest before they go back to digging out each other's boogers ;) 

so it's been almost a year and a half since we became a family of five & God has been faithful.  He has been so so so faithful.  in the past year and a half, i have learned the TRUE meaning of grace, forgiveness, second chances & redemption.  God had very specific plans in store for me on this journey.  yes, our two little guys needed a home.... they needed our home & God set all of that in to action.  but He also knew that i needed some serious lessons in love & humility.  He knew that i would have opportunities to share His faithfulness in the storm & that i would have a platform to reach out to other women going through hardships [maybe adoption, maybe something else]....

this season of hard has been incredibly rewarding.  i have met so many women who have hugged me & ugly cried with me saying "me too, me too, me too" that i would have never connected with if i had not gone through this valley.  God is refining me, and He continues to do so on a daily basis.

the days are long, but the months have flown by since cord & colter became our sons that day we drove away from the orphanage.  i no longer cry desperately in anger & confusion.  there's still a whole lot of frustration-based cryfests.... but i think all of us moms go through that on the daily ;) 

i continue to press in to God's goodness & His promises on the hard days.  today i was incredibly comforted by hebrews 13:20-21....
now may the God of peace equip you with all you need for doing His will.  may He produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to Him.  all glory to Him forever & ever! amen.

i share my story not for attention [goodness knows it would all be negative], but to bring glory to God.  His power is made so much greater when i share my weaknesses [2 corinthians 12:9] & i'll keep on sharing these hard truths so that He can be made known, so others can be encouraged, and so i can look back to watch the good growth that came from a desert season.

God has promised faithfulness for my family & He won't fail to equip + refine me to be the best mother for my three babes.  whatever your hardship is today friend, i pray that you find the same peace in God's faithfulness on your own journey.


  1. Thank you for sharing your heart! God is faithful. And all three kiddos are blessed to have a mom with a heart so transparent. It is only by being so open and honest with God that we can grow! Bless you and your family!

  2. Thank you love for sharing your heart so openly. Vulnerability creates an atmosphere of belonging. You’ve opened the door to your home and your hurt and in the process welcomed others to realize they’re not alone. Just like Jesus sister. 💜

  3. I absolutely love your heart and how you shared it with us!!!! I struggle similarly to this so I COMPLETELY understand. Being a mom isn't easy and isn't always those fabulous feelings we'd love it to be but there's so much growth in persevering through it all and doing our best to raise our children to the best of our ability through His strength only because for real of it was in my strength they could eat cereal all day every day. I have 3 teens and an 11 year old so it is common for my husband to find me hiding in my bathroom having a cryfests. Your amazing for ultimately fighting through it and not giving up!!! Hugs!!!
    Nicole (quilthuntr)

  4. Thank you for sharing your heart today.. It made me feel not so lone in a similar struggle.

  5. Beautiful and authentic testimony. Just like the song goes "if I told you my story, you would see grace that is greater than all my sin...... oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him"!!!!! Loved reading the struggles of a fellow adoptive mom. Thanks for the inspiration.

  6. Wow! Thank you for your honesty and for letting Jesus shine through you even in the tough/rough places. You've encouraged me with your story. Press on. God's got this!

  7. God knows I have cried a river! And my heart is shouting me too. Me too! I have 2 bio kids and my husband's 2 bio kids who I am fulltime mother to. It has been the toughest thing in my whole entire life. Thank you for making me feel less alone and a little less guilty for being so angry.

  8. Thanks for sharing April. I was wondering how life was going. We are starting the adoption process and it is good to always hear all sides of adoption. Have you checked out the new book Lionheart Families? It's the adoption story of 3 families. Very honest and raw.